Loving-kindness and self-compassion

In this lesson: the roots of loving-kindness, what research suggests, a step-by-step metta practice and a kind way through difficult days.

Most of our practice so far trained attention. This lesson trains warmth. Loving-kindness meditation is a simple way to wish yourself and others well, and it is a natural partner to ethical witchcraft: before you work for anyone, you practice wanting good for them. It is also a steady companion on hard days.

Where it comes from

Historical Loving-kindness is the usual English translation of the Pali word metta, friendliness or goodwill. It is one of four qualities Buddhist teaching encourages people to cultivate, together with compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity. The Karaniya Metta Sutta, an early Buddhist text, describes wishing well to all beings, near and far, seen and unseen.

Modern Sharon Salzberg’s Lovingkindness (1995) brought the practice to many Western readers, and psychologist Kristin Neff developed the related idea of self-compassion: treating yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend. A 2011 review by Hofmann, Grossman and Hinton found early evidence that these practices can increase positive emotions and reduce stress, while noting that more and better research was needed. It is a promising practice, not a cure.

How the practice works

Modern You repeat a few kind phrases slowly, letting each one land. Traditionally you begin with yourself or someone easy to love, then widen the circle to a neutral person, someone difficult and finally all beings. Beginners can stay with the first two circles for weeks. Feeling nothing, or feeling resistance, is common and fine: you are planting a habit, not forcing a feeling.

The texts behind the practice

Historical Loving-kindness is a translation of the Pali word metta. The best-known source is the short Karaniya Metta Sutta, “Discourse on Loving-kindness”, in the Pali Canon. It says: “As a mother would risk her life to protect her only child, so with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings.”

The fifth-century Buddhist scholar Buddhaghosa, in his manual Visuddhimagga (“The Path of Purification”), described the step-by-step practice: begin with yourself, then a benefactor, a dear friend, a neutral person, a difficult person, and finally all beings. Metta is one of four “boundless states” (brahmaviharas), together with compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity.

Modern Self-compassion as a psychological concept was defined by Kristin Neff in 2003. She describes three parts: kindness toward yourself instead of harsh judgment, a sense of common humanity (others struggle too), and mindfulness of your pain without exaggerating it. With Christopher Germer, she later developed the Mindful Self-Compassion program. Research links self-compassion with lower anxiety and depression, though much of it is correlational.

When it feels hard

Many people find it easy to wish well to a friend and very hard to wish well to themselves. If that is you, start with someone easy, such as a pet or a child, and notice the warmth you feel. Then gently turn a little of it toward yourself.

If the phrases feel false, change them: “May I be safe” can become “I want to be safe” or “I am doing my best”. If the practice brings up grief or anger, that is common; Neff calls it “backdraft”, like air rushing into a room when a door opens. Pause, ground yourself, and return later.

A second worked example: someone with a harsh inner critic writes down three things she said to herself after a mistake at work. Then she writes what she would say to a friend in the same situation. She notices the difference and practices saying the friend’s words to herself, quietly, once a day for a week.

Your loving-kindness practice, step by step

What you need: a chair or cushion, a timer, your notebook and about ten minutes. If you like, a photo of someone you love or a pet.

1. Sit comfortably and take three slow breaths, as in lesson 2.
2. Place a hand on your heart if that feels good.
3. Say silently to yourself: “May I be safe. May I be well. May I be at ease. May I be kind to myself.”
4. Repeat the phrases slowly for two or three minutes.
5. Bring to mind someone easy to love, a friend, relative or pet, and offer the same phrases to them.
6. If it feels right, widen the circle to someone neutral, such as a neighbor you barely know.
7. End by letting the phrases go and resting for three breaths.
8. Write one line about what you felt, including any resistance.

Journal prompts: Was it easier to wish yourself well or someone else? What did your inner critic say during the practice, and what would a kind friend say back? How might this practice change the way you approach spellwork for other people?

Questions beginners ask

People often ask whether they must include a difficult person. No. That step is for later, and only if it feels safe. Never use loving-kindness to stay in a harmful relationship; wishing someone well does not mean letting them hurt you.

Others ask whether loving-kindness is a prayer. It can be framed as one, or as a mental exercise. It works in either frame.

Some wonder if self-compassion makes you lazy. Research by Neff and others suggests the opposite: people who treat themselves kindly after failure are often more motivated to try again.

Myths to drop: Loving-kindness is not forced positivity. Self-compassion is not self-pity. And you do not need to feel warm for the practice to count; repeating the phrases with intention is enough.

An old rule about hatred

Historical The Dhammapada, a much-loved collection of verses attributed to the Buddha, opens with a few lines that sit at the heart of loving-kindness. In F. Max Müller’s public domain translation of 1881, verse 5 reads: “For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule.”

The verse does not ask you to pretend that anger is not there, or to let someone keep hurting you. It points out something practical: answering hatred with more hatred keeps the fire burning. Loving-kindness practice is a way of training a different response, slowly, beginning with yourself and the people who are easy to love.

What the research suggests

Modern Loving-kindness meditation has been studied for about two decades. In 2008, Cendri Hutcherson, Emma Seppala and James Gross published a study in the journal Emotion which found that even a few minutes of loving-kindness meditation increased people’s feelings of social connection towards strangers in the lab. Other studies, including work by Barbara Fredrickson and colleagues published the same year, found that weeks of practice were linked with small increases in positive emotions. These are encouraging findings from fairly small studies. They suggest loving-kindness can be a gentle support for wellbeing, not a cure for anything.

Choosing your own phrases

The traditional phrases are only a starting point. Good phrases are short, simple and believable to you. Here is a worked example. A learner finds “May I be happy” too big; it makes her think of everything that is wrong. She tries a few alternatives over a week and settles on three: “May I rest tonight. May I be gentle with myself. May I get through today with some ease.” They are smaller, but she can say them and mean them.

For other people, she adapts them again: “May you rest tonight. May you be gentle with yourself.” The practice is the same; only the words have changed to fit her real life.

Loving-kindness in everyday life

You do not need a cushion for this practice. On a bus or in a queue, choose one stranger and silently wish them well: “May you be safe. May you get home easily.” In a tense meeting, offer a short phrase to yourself first, then to the person you find difficult. Many people find that these tiny moments soften the day more than a long formal sitting.

For witches, loving-kindness also fits well with ethics. Wishing someone well, without trying to control what they do, is a kind and respectful form of working for others. You can light a candle and say the phrases for a friend who is ill, and pair it with a practical act, such as a message or a meal.

A worked example

A learner finds “May I be kind to myself” hard to say: it feels false. She notes the resistance and continues with “May I be safe”, which feels easier. When she turns to her cat, the phrases come warmly. After a week she writes: “Still awkward for me, easy for the cat. Yesterday I caught myself speaking to my own mistake more gently.” That small change is exactly what the practice is for.

Try this

Sit for five minutes and repeat four kind phrases, first for yourself, then for someone you love: “May you be safe. May you be well. May you be at ease. May you be kind to yourself.” Write one line about what you felt, including any resistance.

A beginner’s worry, answered. “I cannot do the difficult person stage.” You do not have to. Many teachers suggest waiting weeks or months before including someone who has hurt you, and you can always skip that person entirely. Wishing yourself well is a complete practice on its own.

A variation for bedtime. Lying in bed, offer the phrases to everyone in your home, one by one, then to yourself. It is a soft way to end the day.

Recap

Loving-kindness comes from Buddhist metta practice and is now widely taught, with early research suggesting benefits for mood and stress. You repeat kind phrases for yourself and those close to you, widening the circle slowly. Resistance is normal, and you never have to send kindness to someone who harmed you.

What next

Press “Mark as done” and continue with A four-week meditation plan. My witchcraft ethics page shows how kindness and consent shape practice.

Further reading: Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness (Shambhala, 1995). Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion (William Morrow, 2011). Buddhaghosa, The Path of Purification, translated by Bhikkhu Ñāṇamoli (Buddhist Publication Society).

Sources

• Karaniya Metta Sutta, Sutta Nipata 1.8 (Pali Canon), in any reputable translation.
• Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness (Boston: Shambhala, 1995).
• Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion (New York: William Morrow, 2011).
• Stefan G. Hofmann, Paul Grossman and Devon E. Hinton, “Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: potential for psychological interventions”, Clinical Psychology Review 31 (2011).

Go deeper: the witchcraft and tarot pages on this site

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