Shadow work and saying no

In this lesson: what shadow work is and is not, gentle prompts, an anger inventory, practicing no aloud, a boundary map and good aftercare.

Many people come to Lilith because of what she has come to stand for: anger that will not be swallowed, desire that does not apologize, a self that leaves rather than shrinks. Those meanings are modern, built mostly in the last fifty years. This lesson uses them for reflective work on the shadow, on your own choices and on boundaries. These prompts are for self-reflection. They are not therapy and do not replace it.

What shadow work is, and is not

Modern The term “shadow” comes from the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung (1875 to 1961). For Jung, the shadow was the part of the personality we do not recognize as our own: traits and feelings pushed out of awareness because they seemed unacceptable. Bringing it into awareness was part of becoming whole. In modern witchcraft, “shadow work” usually means turning deliberately toward uncomfortable feelings through journaling, meditation or ritual. The Jungian analyst Siegmund Hurwitz read the Lilith myths themselves as images of the psyche in Lilith, the First Eve (German 1980, English 1992).

Shadow work is not self-punishment, and it is not reliving trauma without support. Acknowledging anger does not mean aiming it at others. Finding hard feelings in yourself does not make you a bad person, and you do not owe Lilith your pain. Choose a time when you are rested and not in crisis. Set a limit of about fifteen minutes and have something grounding ready for afterward. If you feel overwhelmed, put your feet flat on the floor, name five things you can see and close the notebook.

Where the idea of the shadow comes from

Historical The word “shadow” in this sense comes from the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung (1875 to 1961). For Jung, the shadow was the part of the personality that we do not want to see: traits, desires and memories we have pushed aside because they did not fit who we were told to be.

He wrote that “one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious” (in Alchemical Studies, Collected Works vol. 13, paragraph 335). Jung did not invent a set of exercises called shadow work. The term became popular much later, through self-help books from the 1990s onward, and today it covers many journaling and reflection practices.

Modern Lilith became a shadow figure through feminist reinterpretation. In 1972 the Jewish feminist theologian Judith Plaskow wrote “The Coming of Lilith”, first published in 1974, and in 1976 the Jewish feminist magazine Lilith was founded. Plaskow retold the story so that Lilith and Eve meet and become allies. From then on, many women read Lilith as the part of themselves that had been called dangerous for wanting equality. That is the root of the modern pairing of Lilith and shadow work.

The psychology of saying no

Modern Psychologists who study assertiveness describe it as expressing your needs honestly and respectfully, without aggression and without giving in. Many people, especially those raised to please others, find “no” very hard. A useful tool is the broken record technique, described in assertiveness books since the 1970s: calmly repeat your no in the same words, without new reasons, until it is heard. Another is the short no: “No, thank you” is a complete sentence, and explanations are optional.

A worked example. A colleague asks you, for the third time, to cover their shift. Practice first at your altar or mirror: “I can’t this weekend.” When they push, repeat: “I can’t this weekend.” You do not need to apologize three times or invent an excuse. Afterward, write in your journal what you felt in your body before, during and after. Over weeks, many people find that their nervousness fades as they collect evidence that saying no is survivable.

Variations. If speaking aloud is too much, start in writing: draft the message, wait an hour, send it. If you are in a situation where saying no could make you unsafe, such as an abusive relationship, do not practice there. Talk to a support service or a trusted person instead. Lilith’s story is about refusing, but your safety comes first.

Prompts, one per session

Choose one prompt, write for ten to fifteen minutes, then stop. On anger: when was the last time I felt angry and said nothing, and what did I want to say? If my anger could speak calmly, what would it ask for? On shame: whose voice do I hear when I feel ashamed, and is it really mine? What would I say to a friend who felt the same? On autonomy: what arrangement in my life did I agree to without really choosing it?

If Lilith’s story is about refusing an unequal place, where am I being asked to accept one? On desire: what do I want that I rarely admit, even to myself? If you are under 18, skip the desire prompts or keep them to everyday wants. Grief prompts, such as what have I lost that I was not allowed to grieve, touch tender ground. Use them only when you feel steady, and ideally with support.

Later tradition In the medieval Alphabet of Ben Sira, Lilith refuses the place Adam assigns her and leaves. In the modern feminist reading that refusal is her defining act. You do not need to share every modern reading to take the practical lesson: saying no clearly, without excessive apology.

Three practices

1. An anger inventory (20 minutes). Draw a line down a page. On the left, list what has made you angry this month. On the right, write what you did with each: said it, swallowed it, redirected it. Circle one you swallowed and write what need or value lay behind it, and whether there is a safe, fair way to act on it now. End with one kind sentence to yourself, then move your body.
2. Saying no aloud (5 minutes). Alone, before your altar or a mirror, say “No” calmly three times. Notice whether you smile, apologize or tense up. Then repeat “No, that doesn’t work for me” until it sounds like you mean it. If you like a devotional frame, add my own modern line: “Lilith, help me speak my no as clearly as you do in the old story.”
3. A boundary map. Write your name in a small circle. In a larger ring around it, write what you want to protect: sleep, quiet, your body, money, creativity. Outside it, write the people, demands and habits that cross in. Give each one small boundary, such as “phone off after 10 p.m.”, try one this week and revisit the map in a month.

Aftercare

End on purpose, with words like “That is enough for today.” Drink water, eat something, wash your face or walk. Change rooms or open a window, and do something ordinary: make tea, fold laundry, call a friend about something unrelated. If you feel worse the next day, choose a lighter practice next time or take a break. A short list of comforting activities at the back of your journal makes this easier when you are tired.

Questions beginners ask

Is shadow work therapy? No. It is reflective journaling. If old trauma comes up, a trained therapist is the right support.

How often should I do it? One short session a week is plenty for beginners. Stop if you feel worse for more than a day.

Do I have to share what I find? No. Your journal is private.

What if I feel angry? Anger is information. Write it down, move your body, drink water. Anger at an old injustice is not the same as wanting to hurt anyone.

Myths to drop: The idea that shadow work means indulging every dark impulse is wrong; it means understanding them. The idea that Lilith “tests” you with suffering has no source. And the claim that Jung wrote about Lilith as a shadow is not accurate: the connection was made by later writers.

A worked example

Imagine someone who does the anger inventory and circles one item: a colleague who keeps handing her extra work at five o’clock. The need behind it, she writes, is respect for her time. She practices “No, that doesn’t work for me” in front of the mirror and feels herself smile apologetically on the first try. By the fifth try her voice is steady. On her boundary map she writes “I leave at 17.00”. On Thursday she uses the sentence. Her colleague is surprised, and nothing terrible happens. She writes it all down, then makes tea and watches something light.

Try this

Practice saying no. Alone, before your altar or a mirror, take three breaths and say “No” calmly three times. Then say “No, that doesn’t work for me” until it sounds like you mean it. Write down one situation this week where you might use it, and at the end of the week write what happened.

Journal prompts: Where in my life do I say yes when I mean no? What trait was I told was “too much”? What would change if I allowed myself that trait in a healthy form?

Recap

Shadow work comes from Jung’s psychology, not ancient religion, and Hurwitz read Lilith herself through it. It means turning gently toward hard feelings with a time limit and aftercare, never self-punishment or reliving trauma alone. One prompt per session is enough. The anger inventory, saying no aloud and the boundary map turn Lilith’s modern meaning into everyday skills. Safety comes before any “no”, and therapy and practice work well together.

What next

Press “Mark as done” and continue with Black Moon Lilith in your chart. For steadying yourself before and after, see my grounding and centering guide.

Further reading: C. G. Jung, Aion (Collected Works vol. 9 part 2, Princeton University Press, 1959), chapter on the shadow. Judith Plaskow, The Coming of Lilith: Essays on Feminism, Judaism, and Sexual Ethics (Beacon Press, 2005).

Sources

• C. G. Jung, Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self (1951; Collected Works vol. 9, part 2, Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1959).
• Siegmund Hurwitz, Lilith, the First Eve (English translation Einsiedeln: Daimon, 1992).
• “The Alphabet of Ben Sira”, translated by Norman Bronznick, in David Stern and Mark Jay Mirsky (eds.), Rabbinic Fantasies (Philadelphia: Jewish Publication Society, 1990).

Go deeper: the Lilith pages on this site, and The Novice's Guide to Witchcraft

Mark as done